I'm Heaven-Lea! Khahik Shaman! 

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My journey did not start out easy, growing up I both experienced and witnessed trauma in action and reaped the results of that trauma, both other's and my own. I learned to navigate generational trauma & addiction, mental/emotional and physical abuse/abandonment, parentification etc.. the list could go on.

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I became the person that never wanted anyone to go through what i went through, i became the fixer, the rescuer, the pleaser. Emotionally intelligent, knowing how to fix everyone but myself. But that flame quickly burned out. 

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This led to an uphill battle with depression, anxiety, CPTSD, burnout, and being basically non functioning within society and my personal life. No friends, no job, no family, no life. I had pushed everyone and everything away, I was aware of my issues but I didn't understand what to do with them, how to let go, how to open back up. I was broken, tired and alone. And I just wanted someone to save me.  

Before, if you had asked me who I was my answer would be my trauma story. I didn't know who I was outside of my trauma. I was the abuse, I was the addiction, I was the pain, I was the guilt, I was the defeat. I was the false strength.. 

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I was the white knuckled resiliency. 

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But we are not what happened to us and it does not make us strong. It makes us hurt, it makes us doubtful of ourselves, unable to love or be loved. It makes us believe we are forever broken.

What makes us strong, what makes us resilient … is our ability to witness the pain, to ask for help, to admit we are broken and afraid. Our strength is our ability to give ourselves a chance.

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 2019 is when I began to understand this. It was either I heal or I continue suffering, and I was tired of suffering. I was tired of being alone and in pain. I was tired of my feelings lying to me, telling me I'm not worthy, that I'll never be okay, that it'll never be different. 

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Then it happened I met a practitioner, and I felt that nudge and heard that whisper. Heart and mind racing, I booked that appointment. I didn't know what to expect, how to feel, or what to do. But I knew I needed it. 

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The day came for my appointment. Sitting in the parking lot with my heart dropping out of my ass, I was more fearful and anxious than I had ever been. I didn't know it then but I knew things were about to change... That's what I was feeling, anticipation. 

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My intention for the rest of that year was to give myself a chance and that’s exactly what I did. That session was the hardest thing I had ever done, laying on that bed feeling more vulnerable, more fearful, and more embarrassed than ever, but still set on trying. I cried. Allowing myself to do it scared, to have that safe witness, to have a chance at relief.

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And that’s what I got.

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Relief. 

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I realized I hadn’t breathed properly in years, I forgot what feeling spacious was like, realized I had lost my creativity, and for the first time in a long time I felt... kind of okay. I didn't really know how to feel about all of this, but I knew I felt different and that’s all I needed. 

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I witnessed my pain. Fully experiencing the depth and intensity, I learned that vulnerability was what made us brave, what allowed us to heal and move forward. But vulnerability is also the hardest thing to do with ourselves. My path started when I admitted to myself that I was tired of suffering and that I wanted something different.

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Vulnerability makes us our own saviors.

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From there I slowly learned how to become my own savior. Years of sitting with myself, learning how to be my own safe witness. Countless hours of  witnessing my emotions, my stories and traumas, and pain both mine and inherited. I Learned to become my own healer and I am here, now, to help you. You are your own healer, you are your safe witness, you are the love you need. But first we must choose to take that chance on ourselves.  

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Are you ready for that chance?